A List of What Could Happen When You Vote / by Peter LaBerge

By Christopher Salerno | Guest Columnist.

via Right Speak.

via Right Speak.

A LIST OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN WHEN YOU VOTE
 

1. You enter the voting booth and are asked to pick from a list of common feelings.

2. You enter the voting booth and, November-surprise, you find a sparrow there ruffling its feathers.

3. You enter the voting booth and are met with photographs of every sexual partner you’ve ever had.

4. It’s finally your turn to vote and you enter to find the booth is actually a Dexter "kill room".

5. Instead of candidate names you are asked to choose between species of owls found in the Western Hemisphere.

6. Instead of candidates you are presented with pictures of employees-of-the-month from the Arby's in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey.

7. You enter the voting booth and they are out of your favorite candidate.

8. Your only choices are the chicken kabobs, the sirloin tips, or the trout.

9. You enter and enter and enter only to find out you are inside a Russian Nesting Doll. 

10. While waiting in line to vote, one of your Birkenstocks gets sucked up into a gymnasium floor fan.

11. You enter and there are no political candidate’s names. Instead, you are asked to rate your pain on the Wong Baker Faces Pain Scale.

12. You enter the voting booth and discover it’s only a Pepsi Challenge.

13. You enter the voting booth and a judge asks you to choose between living with your father or your mother.

14. You enter the voting booth, are overcome by varnish fumes, and see only a little black urn.

15. You enter the voting booth and find sand sifting through an hourglass.

16. You try to enter the voting booth but Cristo has stuffed the whole thing with gauze.

17. You are asked to give blood.

18. You enter the voting booth and cast a vote for whichever candidate would make the most formidable ghost.

 

Christopher Salerno is the author of four books of poems and the editor of Saturnalia Books. His most recent collection is Sun & Urn, selected by Thomas Lux for the 2016 Georgia Poetry Prize (University of Georgia Press, 2017). Previous books include ATM (Georgetown Review Poetry Prize), Minimum Heroic (2010 Mississippi Review Poetry Prize), and Whirligig (2006). A New Jersey State Council on the Arts fellow, Salerno is currently an Associate Professor of English at William Paterson University in New Jersey where he also teaches in their MFA Program for Creative and Professional Writing. He can be found at www.csalernopoet.com.